"I'm sorry to bother you, please excuse the intrusion. Your
secretary was very accommodating. I'm afraid I made her a bit nervous with my
insistence."
"I normally wouldn't be able to squeeze you in, but I had
a cancellation. What seems to be the problem?"
"I am on fire."
"Please, sit down. Now, when you say 'on fire'..."
"When I say 'on fire,' I mean to communicate to you that
I am on fire. I am burning, this is the information I wish to impart. At this
time, fire is occurring on my person. You can see for yourself, the flames are
quite apparent. There are one or two other related things, but this is the gist
of it."
"Whoa there, let's not get ahead of ourselves. First, let's
define our terms before we go tossing around pat conclusions, shall we? Remember
when you were convinced you had lupus? Remember the big Lyme disease scare?
Now then..."
"Granted, I let hypochondria get the better of me at certain
times in the past, but there really isn't time to discuss the history of my
past errors or other ancillary matters. Fire, fire. 'I am currently on fire,'
this would be a concise description of my present situation. Unless swift and
decisive measures are taken, I will soon be enveloped in flames, engulfed in
flames as they say, not unlike those Buddhist monks you used to see protesting
this or that atrocity, you know the ones, or those movie stunt men lumbering
along very slowly in their special fireproof suits, assistants with fire extinguishers
standing by just out of camera range. The difference is, I have no bulky protective
suit and I am not burning from personal choice and there are no assistants.
I wish to stop burning, so as to live, to persist in living is my ambition,
in a non-burning state, that is not to die, here, soon, as a direct consequence
of being engulfed in flames, consumed by fire. See?"
"Well, that was quite a speech! If you're finished, let's
slow down a moment, take it one step at a time. First, you say you are burning,
which now that you mention it I can tentatively confirm by observing the orange
flames that are now spreading up your sleeves and across your torso. Is that
a rayon shirt? You know those are dangerously flammable..."
"I'm sorry to keep interrupting but I will soon be unable
to speak, I am struggling to maintain not only my poise but consciousness itself.
I was hoping you would take steps to prevent my immolation. I require immediate
assistance. Please hurry."
"Look here, you have remarked on the urgency of this matter
as you perceive it, more than once I would point out. I don't mean to
bristle and I am sorry if I seem abrupt, but I am perfectly capable of understanding
that this is a time-sensitive issue for you. It doesn't help the situation for
you to be constantly hammering the point home in this way, frankly I'm
finding it a bit much. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable speaking to someone
else."
Ronnie Cordova is a writer and the master of all he
surveys at his popular journal site sublethal.net.
He currently resides in Portland, OR.
